


i don't like myself but i can't be somebody else

by bothpessimistic



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Baking, Body Image, Bottom Simon, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, BoyxBoy, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Explicit Consent, Explicit Sexual Content, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Post-Watford (Simon Snow), Smut, SnowBaz, Soft sex, Top Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, True Love, mlm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:35:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26942233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bothpessimistic/pseuds/bothpessimistic
Summary: request for @wtfnataly : you could do chubby! simon feeling insecure about his appearance and baz showing/ telling him how much he loves simon and his body? can be smutty or not, up to you :)the title is from the teen suicide song "skate witches"the smut is barely there but there nonetheless, enjoy!!
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 13
Kudos: 65





	i don't like myself but i can't be somebody else

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wtfnataly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wtfnataly/gifts).



Simon was always a skinny kid. Growing up in an orphanage, there wasn’t always enough to go around. And sometimes he got the short end of the stick. 

He cherished his time at Watford. Simon thinks he could live off of nothing but sour cherry scones for the rest of his life. Due to this, he would fill out for the rest of the year, eating nothing but filling carb-heavy foods, but would always lose weight over the summer after going right back to the orphanage. 

It was a cycle that he had grown accustomed to. Even after his time at Watford. 

Except his body didn’t stay the same. 

It’s not like he was obese or anything of that sort, a doctor could tell you that. However, he had put on a few. Especially in the middle. 

Simon began to hate his body. He used to never think about the way he looked, too much going on for him to think about it, but now: it was all he thought about. 

Today was no different. He just got out of the shower and was looking at himself in the mirror, analyzing and picking himself apart. Measuring his worth by what he saw in the reflection. 

His shoulders seemed rounder today. They used to be so pointy and sharp. His thighs looked as if they were rubbing up against each other even closer. Simon used to have a thigh gap. 

Glancing over everywhere, leaving every part of him with some sort of criticism, he finally reached his tummy. It was round and plump. An area that used to concave in during the warmer months. Looking at all the stretched skin there made him feel sick. 

Simon wouldn’t dare cry. He did this to himself. There was no one to blame but himself. 

He pulled his sweater and joggers on, looking at himself in the mirror in disappointment one last time before leaving the bathroom. 

“Hello, my love,” Baz said from the living room. His boyfriend. His perfectly sculpted, lean machine boyfriend. 

Simon grinned sheepishly. “How did you get in?” 

Baz shrugged, grabbing his hand and pulling him so he sat next to him. “Would you believe me if I said it was a vampire ability?” 

“There’s a key under the mat,” Simon remarked. 

“There’s a key under the mat,” Baz admitted with a nod. 

After a small giggle fit, Baz began to kiss Simon. Sweetly, of course. Simon was too upset to kiss back passionately, but he tried. 

Baz pulled back. “What’s wrong, Snow?” He always knew. 

“Nothing,” Simon lied with a smile. He grabbed Baz’s hand and thumbed the flesh there. His hands were always so cold. 

Baz knew better but didn’t want to press the issue. So he just smiled and began to kiss Simon again. Simon forced himself to kiss back with passion now, licking and biting at Baz’s lips. 

As Baz pushed Simon against the couch, he felt as if there was much more going on. But he knew Simon. Simon bottled up until he exploded. Baz would just have to be patient. 

\- - - 

A couple of days later, Simon’s insecurities almost took over again. 

Baz and Simon both finished class early. And Baz had this brilliant idea to bake this weird thing that he found online. Simon agreed, faking enthusiasm. 

“What’s it called again?” Simon asked, watching Baz pull ingredients out of the cupboard, reading off of an article online. 

Baz grinned. “It’s called dessert pasta.” 

“Excuse me?” Simon laughs. “Who came up with that?” 

Shrugging, Baz sets down lasagna sheets next to Simon on the counter. “Would you rather just eat a tub of ice cream that costs two pounds and required no effort?” 

Simon wouldn’t eat any dessert with the way he was feeling right now, but he put on a smile for his boyfriend. 

“I mean, I want to see how this turns out!” Simon admitted. 

Baz nods, getting close to Simon and pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Now let Chef Pitch work some magic so hopefully you can enjoy something yummy.”

“Do you need any help?” Simon asks, beginning to get off the counter. 

“Nope, just sit there and look pretty,” Baz quickly responds, running his hands down his boyfriend’s thighs. 

Simon thought to himself that he couldn’t do that. Baz was just saying that to be friendly. He wasn’t pretty. 

But Simon swallowed those thoughts, watching Baz dance around the kitchen, pulling different fruits out of the fridge. 

The whole process took about half an hour, but Simon never stopped watching his boyfriend. He was gorgeous. Utterly and completely. Even when he was small and light, he felt insecure around him. Now it was so much worse. 

Instability aside, Baz had finished whatever creation he made. He had cooked and fried the lasagna sheets, assembling what looked like lasagna but instead of meat and cheese, the insides were filled with fruit and some white fluffy stuff. 

Holding up a spoonful to Simon, Baz grinned: “Go on, take the first bite! Tell me how it tastes!” 

Simon shook his head, faking a laugh. “I don’t trust it, you first.” 

Baz shrugged and brought the spoon to his mouth instead. Once he swallowed, he nodded in approval. “Damn, that’s really good.”

“Really?” Simon asked. 

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s strange. But good,” Baz admitted. He scooped up more and held it to Simon. “Your turn, babe.”

Simon shook his head again causing Baz to frown. “No thank you, I trust your opinion.”

“Then taste it, you bastard!” Baz jokes. 

Simon laughs, trying his best to hide how he was feeling about himself. He couldn’t eat anything like that in front of Baz. He would think he was some sort of fat ass. 

Baz gave up, shrugging and continuing to eat off of his plate. Again, he was worried about Simon but didn’t want to press the issue. 

\- - - 

After a while, however, Baz had enough. He wanted to ask Simon what was up. 

It was a Sunday morning. They were both still in bed, the light from the sheer curtains hitting their face. Birds chirping. The sounds of cars on the road. It was peaceful and typical. 

They were talking about nothing it seemed like. Still wrapped up in each other, just talking. One of their favorite past times. But Baz brought up a question. 

“Are you okay?” 

Simon’s eyes widened and he couldn’t help but laugh. “What do you mean?” 

“You’ve seemed off lately. Do you miss Watford or something?” Baz asked, running his hands down Simon’s back.

Simon shook his head. “Hell no! That’s insulting.” 

Baz laughed. “Okay, but what is it?” 

“Baz, I’m telling you...I’m fine!” 

Baz gave Simon a look, pulling him closer to himself. “Snow, I know you,” he soothed. “A little too well if you ask me...now tell me what’s up.” 

Simon pulls away from Baz and rolls over. “You’re being weird.” 

Suddenly, Baz shoots up. “I’m the weird one?! You are detached and sad all the time and it seems like you are faking being attracted to me or something.” 

Simon was silent but for the wrong reasons. 

“Do you even like being in this relationship?” Baz couldn’t help but ask. 

“No, I do. Don’t ever say that.” Simon says softly. Baz could hear that he was sobbing. 

Baz touches his shoulder. “Si?” 

Simon turns to face him, eyes red, cheeks stained with tears. “I hate myself, Baz.”   
Baz’s entire body went numb. And his mind filled with unfathomable questions. He couldn’t speak. 

Simon, crying harder, got up, and started to walk to the bathroom. Abruptly, Baz grabbed his wrist and pulled him back into his arms. 

“Baz? You don’t want to hear this. Let me go,” Simon requested. His body began to melt into his boyfriend's chest, however. 

“I do want to hear this,” Baz retorted in a mellow tone. “Tell me what’s going on so I can make it better.” 

Simon laughed sheepishly. “You can’t fix me, Baz. I’m not, like, a toy.”

“Then just talk.” 

Simon sighed. “I really do hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate the person I’ve become. I have no redeemable qualities.” 

Baz, at first, wanted to interrupt and protest and tell him otherwise. But he let Simon speak. 

“I have a terrible body. I’m fat and ugly and I don’t know how someone like you, a Greek god, would ever be interested in me,” Simon subdued. 

“Baby I-” Baz began. 

“I must be, like, really good at sex or something!” Simon joked through his tears. Baz didn’t laugh. 

“Simon, I can’t even begin how wrong you are,” Baz started. “You are my fucking world and don’t you forget it.” 

Saying this, Baz began to kiss Simon’s neck, causing him to moan softly. 

“You are so beautiful and smart and funny and awesome and sexy and a million other adjectives that can’t even begin to describe how perfect you are.” 

“But-” 

“No, shut up, I’m talking,” Baz interrupted with a grin. “For the record, your looks don’t define your worth. And for the other record, you are the most breathtakingly gorgeous person I’ve ever laid eyes on.” 

Laying Simon down and pressing himself close, Baz continued: “I can’t make you love yourself, Si. But I can show you how much I love you.” 

“Baz?” Simon spoke up, weakly. 

“Yes, my love?” Baz responded, kissing him softly. 

“P-Please, I-” 

And Baz knew. 

They undressed and kissed and just admired each other and their relationship. Baz prepped Simon with care and delicacy and love. 

“Are you okay?” Baz asked again, positioning himself. 

“Y-Yeah,” Simon responded. And this time, he meant it. 

Baz pushed in and watched as Simon’s face lit up with something. Happiness, maybe? Baz didn’t know yet but it was better than the tear-streaked face just moments before.

It took a moment to adjust but after a while, Baz began to push in and out of his boyfriend. “Perfect, so perfect…” he kept repeating. 

It was short and sweet. But that was perfect for them. After they had come, Baz and Simon both began to cry. 

They collapsed into each other at that moment. Did Simon love himself any more? That would take a while, but for now. He knew Baz cared and that was more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all! what's happening? what's going on? did you eat today? 
> 
> this is a request from a user, so thank you! i love doing requests and i'm sorry it took so long :( but here we go! 
> 
> this is NEVER something i would've done myself. as someone who has severe insecurity and body issues and a mild eating disorder, i tend to avoid topics like this. and this was hard to write tbh. but i'm glad i did! it caused me to reflect and idk. i just really appreciated it :) 
> 
> sorry for the lack of smut. it's dry and boring and content-heavy but it was more important than them just banging. my next fic will be kinky, i promise! 
> 
> i still take requests so please fire away!! and once again, for yall curious -- my venmo is @miaisbroke_ and my cashapp is $miabaars so if you feel like supporting me in that way, feel free to! 
> 
> for the billionth time, thanks for the support and the kudos and the hits and just everything! reading your comments is my favorite thing so don't be shy! talk to me! 
> 
> \- mia <3


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